Project

I was made to communicate. 

Ever since I was little, people haven't been able to get me to stop talking. It's the number one thing I got in trouble for in elementary school, although these days I've learned to raise my hand before blurting things out. Some things were meant to be, and they are placed in your life for a reason.

Although I could not have seen it at the time, everything in my life has happened for a reason, namely to tell others about it, to encourage them and to warn them away from the mistakes I made.

Because in all honesty, we all have the urging to minister to those who are trapped in what we were once trapped in. Lately, God's been nudging on my heart to come close to him, to use the gift that he's given me for Him, but I can only do so with any kind of effectiveness when I come close to Him and let Him remove my impurities and the fallen-ness of my human sin nature, to die to myself every day.

What do I need to talk about?

Self Hatred.

It's a heavy topic, and a loaded topic, I know, and one that isn't often discussed, but it needs to be addressed because I was there. I was in the blackness and the evil that is self hatred and thus have the pull and call on my heart to call out to those who may be in the place I was once was, to throw them a life preserver, to beg them not to continue down that path. 

Because while you're in it, though it seems bleak and dark, it doesn't seem abnormal, and trying to stop the pattern seems futile, until you just assume it'll be a part of your life forever. 

But it isn't normal. 

It isn't normal, it isn't healthy, and it doesn't have to be there forever, and it shouldn't be. 

So here's my life preserver. If you're in the place I'll be describing, please take it. Take it from someone who lived in that place way longer than was healthy, you want to leave as soon as you possibly can. It's so much better on the other side. 

So first of all, what is self hatred? We all have times where we are unhappy with ourselves, but what is chronic self hatred, the kind that doesn't go away, but just gets blacker and uglier and manifests into all sorts of character defects and spiritual problems? 

"Self-hatred (also called self-loathing) refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced against oneself. (Wikipedia, I know, never quote wikipedia, but as far as I could see, it had the best definition.)

The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as "persons with low self-esteem".^{[citation needed]} Self-hatred and shame are important factors in some or many mental disorders, especially disorders that involve a perceived defect of oneself (e.g. body dysmorphic disorder). Self-hatred is also a symptom of many personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder,^[1] as well as depression. It can also be linked to guilt. Personal self-hatred and self-loathing can result from an inferiority complex."

Honestly, even talking about it kind of scares me. But it's serious stuff, and I'm going to share part of my story with you that I don't normally share with people because I think it's so important that anyone, ANYONE, who is doing or saying or feeling any of the things I did to stop everything and begin the process of getting out of that mindset. It took me a solid six months to even begin to make headway, that's how bad it was. 

So what happened to me? How did I get to that place?

I don't really know when it started. But somewhere, back in my childhood, although I had a relatively happy and normal childhood, began an inferiority complex that would haunt me all the way through my teenage years and sometimes even now. It was just little things, like assuming people wouldn't like me, or that I wasn't attractive. It wasn't something that consumed my thoughts, just sometimes I would feel inferior or jealous of those I believed to be better than me or who had more than me. I was unhappy with myself sometimes, but I usually didn't give much thought to it. It wasn't until I entered the teenage years that my life and my perception of myself really began to change.  It was simple yet devastating things, like a friend pointing out two pimples on my face, or another calling me fat, or the way people didn't gravitate to me the way they did to the pretty girls, the way guys liked my friends and not me, how no matter how hard I tried, I didn't think I could be pretty or normal or accepted, and yet I desperately, with flailing attempts, tried so hard to be all those things. 

I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be like those girls who had perfect tan skin and shiny hair that never got oily or frizzy and who were skinny and everything looked good on them. I wanted to be the girl that people stopped and stared at, that everyone loved, and I took every person avoiding me, every thoughtless comment as confirmation that I would never be good enough as I was. 

Yet all of that was not quite self hatred yet, because the words hadn't started.

Because guys, words are incredibly, incredibly powerful. God created the heavens and earth with words. We can put chains around ourselves with words as well, and that's exactly what I did. 

If you've read the post about my testimony ( read here ) then you'll know that the real downhill turning point came after I went on a missions trip and had felt so alone and outcast that I decided I would change whatever I needed to so I wouldn't be that ugly, overweight, awkward, unpopular girl anymore. I was determined I would whip myself into shape. And that's exactly what happened, with devastating consequences. 

I started running, and the action itself didn't cause the problem, it was the attitude I had about it, and the things I said to myself and about myself. I was fighting a war against my body, against myself, against the shell that I felt had so failed me and was so wrong, and that turned into that horrible thing called self hatred.

I had always been prone to insulting myself, but now it was happening regularly. 

But one instance really marked what I think is the true beginning of the self hatred I naively let into my life. I was on a run, but I don't even remember why I was so furious with myself, maybe I wasn't running hard enough or fast enough, but I remember I just began running as fast as I could, verbally and mentally yelling insults at myself the entire time. 

"You're fat."

"You'll always be fat."

"You baby, why can't you run faster?"

"You're worthless, I take that back, you're LESS than worthless."

"You won't be anything until you're pretty."

I was so mean to myself. So as I was running and crying and yelling at myself, and as I went home and poked at my dinner, barely touching my food, something inside me felt dead, and something dark had come inside me. Self hatred had begun, and the battle had only just begun.

My weight evened out some, but as any insecure person knows, once one "problem" is fixed, a new one commands one's attention. For me, it was my skin. I had had a few breakouts before, but nothing terrible, but I decided to change my routine and began breaking out a lot more, and the dark just became bigger, but in a different way. I began punishing myself for something I couldn't even control. Now the self hatred didn't flare up usually when I was around people. I was always insecure, but the really dark terrible times always happened when I was alone, just me and my room and my mirror. I would stand in front of the mirror literally screaming obscenities and insults at myself, saying things that I wouldn't say to anyone else, but somehow it was okay to say them to myself.

"You're a monster."

"You are hideous."

"No one would ever love you, how could they? What's there to love?"

" No decent human being looks like you do."

"You're cursed."

"Why do you even try? You'll never be pretty or good enough."

"You are so ugly."

"Why were you even born?"

"Why did God even bother to create you?"

Just looking at them makes me sad, because I can remember those nights, standing in the yellow light of the bathroom mirror, my face distorted with rage and disgust with myself, growling things at myself that I would never consider saying to another human being. 

People, that's not normal.

The fits of rage and panic and crying, pinching my arms and my thighs because I needed release from the pressure and pain, punching and hitting myself because I felt I deserved punishment for being in the body I was, throwing things at my reflection in mirror, that's not normal, and no one has to live that way. 

I loathed myself. 

I wish that was an exaggeration, but it wasn't. I hated myself more than any other human being I knew, and I almost hated God for creating me the way He did. I firmly disliked Him regardless, and doubted His character. How could a good God create someone destined for loneliness, failure, and ugliness? How could He create someone so set up for failure?

Honestly, I'm kind of scared to publish this, because I know people who knew me at that time and had no idea this was going on will read this. All I can say is that like any insecure person, I tried to act as confident and perfect as I could. No one was supposed to see the uncontrollable crying, the panic attacks about my looks, no one was supposed to hear the things I said to myself, things so mean that I can't fathom how I said them, yet until recently, they slipped so easily into my vocabulary. 

And I'm here to say if ANY of this sounds familiar to you, if you can look at any of this and think "Hey, I can relate to that," or "That sounds like me," Please PLEASE I beg of you, go to God and begin praying and asking for Him to show you how to get out of this, to reveal His love to you, to begin the journey of walking out of self hatred and into His love.

If you recognize yourself in this post, and are kind of scared because you realize how crazy and dark it all is, FEAR NOT. God is bigger than Satan, bigger than darkness, bigger than chains, and He over came death, so He can overcome Satan's influence on your life, and you aren't stuck where you are. 

God rescued me, and still rescues me every day, and he can rescue you too. 

Start by praying, praying so much to God about this. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him what you're going through, let Him into your pain, let go of that cynical attitude, and live in expectancy and belief that God can work in you and transform you. Transformation, however, cannot happen without being with and seeking after God. Don't be mistaken though, God is not your means to the end which is freedom and transformation. He IS the end, the only end. But every journey should, every battle should start with, and continue with, going to Lord in prayer, giving things to Him, and seeking his face.

The second thing I would advise is to watch your words, watch what you think and what you say. How do you think those chains got built up? Satan planted those thoughts in your mind, you started thinking them, then you started saying them. With God's power and strength guiding you, do the opposite. 

Declare HOPE over yourself, and speak the WORD out loud. Speaking it out loud is so important. Because I used to think that only if I thought something, if I believed it, then I should speak it out loud. But if you're captive to self hatred and listening and believing and taking part in Satan's lies, you're not going to believe those things about yourself. I didn't. Don't wait until you "feel" it. SAY it. Tell yourself "I feel worthless, but I'm not. God Himself came down to earth and paid the ultimate price for me, I was bought with His eternal blood, I am not worthless." Quote scripture to yourself, ""For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to prosper you and not to harm you. (Jer.29:11) Speak the truth over yourself.

The next thing that is so important is to recognize when lies start coming to your head and nip them as soon as you recognize them. Satan is so awful, guys. He really is. You think those thoughts are coming from you? You may be repeating them, but they started in the pits of hell. You think it was YOUR idea to tell yourself you're worthless and will never be good enough, you think it was all you doing to try to get you to endlessly "improve" yourself? Forgive my bluntness, but HECK no. 

Self Hatred was all Satan's idea, because not only does it cause you to tear yourself down, reduce you to  an illogical state of paranoia, anxiety, and destructive behavior, it alienates you from God, and keeps you from even thinking you could be used by God, or live in any other state than the one you're living in. 

Intercession and Obedience

1Corinthians 10

12 So, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it.

Christian Liberty

23 “Everything is permissible,”[j][k] but not everything is helpful. “Everything is permissible,”[l] but not everything builds up. 24 No one should seek his own good, but the good of the other person.

25 Eat everything that is sold in the meat market, asking no questions for conscience’ sake, 26 for the earth is the Lord’s, and all that is in it.[m] 27 If one of the unbelievers invites you over and you want to go, eat everything that is set before you, without raising questions of conscience. 28 But if someone says to you, “This is food offered to an idol,” do not eat it, out of consideration for the one who told you, and for conscience’ sake.[n] 29 I do not mean your own conscience, but the other person’s. For why is my freedom judged by another person’s conscience? 30 If I partake with thanks, why am I slandered because of something I give thanks for?

31 Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God’s glory. 32 Give no offense to the Jews or the Greeks or the church of God, 33 just as I also try to please all people in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, so that they may be saved. 

1 Corinthians 11Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

11 1 Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ.

Instructions about Head Coverings

2 Now I praise you[a] because you always remember me and keep the traditions just as I delivered them to you. 3 But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman,[b] and God is the head of Christ. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with something on his head dishonors his head. 5 But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since that is one and the same as having her head shaved. 6 So if a woman’s head[c] is not covered, her hair should be cut off. But if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, she should be covered.

7 A man, in fact, should not cover his head, because he is God’s image and glory,but woman is man’s glory. 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman came from man. 9 And man was not created for woman, but woman for man. 10 This is why a woman should have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. 11 In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, and man is not independent of woman. 12 For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman, and all things come from God.

13 Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14 Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, 15 but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her[d] as a covering. 16 But if anyone wants to argue about this, we have no other[e] custom, nor do the churches of God.

The Lord’s Supper

17 Now in giving the following instruction I do not praise you, since you come together not for the better but for the worse. 18 For to begin with, I hear that when you come together as a church there are divisions among you, and in part I believe it. 19 There must, indeed, be factions among you, so that those who are approved may be recognized among you. 20 Therefore, when you come together, it is not really to eat the Lord’s Supper. 21 For at the meal, each one eats his own supper ahead of others. So one person is hungry while another gets drunk! 22 Don’t you have houses to eat and drink in? Or do you look down on the church of God and embarrass those who have nothing? What should I say to you? Should I praise you? I do not praise you for this!

23 For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: On the night when He was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took bread, 24 gave thanks, broke it, and said,[f] “This is My body, which is[g] for you. Do this in remembrance of Me.”

25 In the same way, after supper He also took the cup and said, “This cup is the new covenant established by My blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” 26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until He comes.

/////

Now many of you are probably in the same position I was about a year ago, stumbling across a blog post or facebook post about headcovering, and feeling kind of uncomfortable, because it hasn't been on your radar, and you don't really want it to be.
I associated headcovering with mennonite and amish communities, and more legalistic people and environments, and it wasn't something I felt I needed to do.
Now, praise God, I wear a headcovering all the time. I'm not going to tell you that the headcovering itself is some kind of catch-all that will protect you from all kinds of evil and harm, because that's the same as using it like an amulet or a good luck charm to ward away evil--and that's definitely very sinful, and something I had to repent of, and ask for God's forgiveness.
But God bringing me to obedience in this matter, humbling me, and strengthening to me to obey against the flow has been absolutely pivotal in His refining of me, and growing me to become the kind of woman He wants me to be, the woman that is defined in and by the Bible.
This post is not going to be an in-depth research and argumentative piece, talking about all the objections to headcovering, interpretations of the passage, etc.
I felt God telling me to share my story tonight of what He has done in my life in the area of headcovering, and then later, as the Holy Spirit leads and gives me words to say, write a more in-depth piece.
Basically, a little over a year ago, headcovering was brought to my attention. I don't remember exactly my first exposure that really spurred me to start looking into the topic, but I know a blogger I read supported 'The Headcovering Movement' and initially, I must admit, I scoffed. I thought they were brainwashed, I thought they were repressed, and I honestly felt glad I didn't "have" to wear a headcovering like they did. It seemed bizarre to me. Why did they feel like they had to cover their heads at church? I didn't even really understand where it was all coming from.
Now I don't remember what God used initially make me start paying attention, but I remember I was looking into the topic more last summer and starting to do some serious consideration.
One way or another, God led me to look up headcovering and it's reference in the Bible. Once I read the passage copied above, I believe that's when it became more serious to me. Now it wasn't a question of personal preference or 'this group of people just decides to do this, and that's fine for them but we don't have to'--it's actually in the Bible. And seems to be commanded in the Bible pretty strongly, and to be punished harshly if it is disobeyed. If women don't cover their heads while praying or prophesying, their heads should be shaved, or cut off? That shook me when I first read it. I couldn't believe that was in the Bible. But there it was. Now it wasn't a question of 'is this something I feel led to do,' it was, 'is this really what the Bible commands, is this what is true?' Because if something is commanded by God, in the Bible, it doesn't matter how culturally irrelevant it is, or how much I don't want to do it, or what everyone else says or does, it needs to be done. God needs to be obeyed regardless of the circumstances. If something is the truth, it cannot be twisted or bent to suit our own, or the culture's norms or desires. It is the truth, and must be followed/obeyed.
I began tentatively covering, very worried and fearful about what my family or other people would say or think. However, I soon fell off of headcovering full time, figuring if I wasn't quite sure if that was what I was supposed to do, I wouldn't inconvenience myself in the meantime.
So while I was in the middle of avoiding research and trying to convince myself I didn't need to cover, God used the testimony of a friend of mine to bring headcovering to my attention as well. She had started headcovering off and on, and God gave her the boldness to mention it in a setting with myself and a couple of other friends from college. The fact that someone brought up the topic, and stated that headcovering was Biblical, in exactly the timeframe that God was using to bring headcovering to my attention seemed to me to be a confirmation that this was something I needed to look into.
God used that confirmation, combined with the fact that headcovering is talked about in the Bible, and other resources and testimonies from blogs and websites to convict me that I could no longer remain a spectator, or a casual researcher of the topic. Either this was a command from God that needed to be obeyed, or it wasn't, and I needed to know which it was.
Arguments against headcovering, or interpretations of the passage that allowed for people not to cover just seemed to me to be really taking liberties with the passage and twisting scripture to suit our desires and our culture. There isn't any firm 'out' in the passage. I've looked, trust me, there isn't. There are a few tentative legs to stand on in arguments against, but there is nothing in scripture that clearly states we don't have to or shouldn't headcover.
For a while I wrestled, went back and forth, and struggled with covering in public. I would cover when I prayed in private, but always yank it off if my family happened to see me praying with it on, and I never really wore one in public. However, in around March or early April of this year, God really convicted me that I needed to be all in. The Bible says to pray without ceasing (1 Thess. 5) and I, as a woman, Biblically could not pray in public without covering my head in some way without rebelling against the Lord and being sinful. I look back on this years later, and am wondering how much of this conviction was from the Lord, and how much of it was things I was struggling with on my own. I still headcover when I pray, but wonder if God requires us women to do it all the time. Food for thought and prayer. 
So I started headcovering full time, Praise God! The only time I 'relapsed' to off and on covering, were certain moments at our Church's youth group where I wanted to be "relevant" to the girls I was working with, and when I got a new job, because I was pretty sure headcovering wasn't "business casual." But even then, God was merciful and convicted me, and now I headcover all the time at work, and it's such a blessing.
I can't tell you how much God has done in my life since He finally got me to surrender and submit and headcover full time.
So much vanity was taken from me, along with self-consciousness, fear of man, an unhealthy desire to conform and "please" others (not with my words and actions, but with my looks and conforming to to societal standards. Obviously we need to try to keep peace and be pleasant to others when we can, and when truth allows.), as well as God growing me in true Biblical womanhood. God also helped me obey much more boldly in areas where I struggled before, because if He helped me wear a cloth or a hat on my head all the time, even when I was initially terrified to do so, He could help me in other situations where fear used to grip me. I'm not saying headcovering is some kind of spiritual catch-all, where if you wear a headcovering you automatically become a perfect Christian. The headcovering is just a piece of cloth. It's a symbol of authority, that we, as women of God, are submitted to God, and one day, to our husbands. The headcovering didn't make me humble or bold or gentle or anything like that, but God used obedience in that area to grow me in others ways.
Sisters, headcovering is such a blessing. God is so good, and when we follow His commands, there is not "bad" outcome. Sure, it may be initially difficult, and just because we're following God doesn't mean our lives will be perfect. But my sisters, I would strongly urge you, even if you're repulsed by the idea, to pray about it, research it, and don't just write it off.  Please don't do what I did, and disobey and waffle for a long time before finally giving in to God. Submit more quickly than I did. It's so worth it, I'm not looking back, and I know you won't either!
Thanks for reading, I'll be praying God uses this in your life! As He leads, I will write a longer and more in depth post.
To God alone be the glory,
Ariana                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Transformation

So apparently, the whole process of creating a blog vision and executing it takes longer than I thought, but I wanted to write and update you guys on my life, what God's been teaching me, and just be a little bit more casual on here.

The vision for the other blog is very much still being developed, I want to create an online resource for Christians struggling with acne, and other issues, and I want to create a place where I can share what God's been teaching me, just teach in general, summarize sermons I've heard at church, post sermons I've heard on youtube, and in general just create a place where people are simultaneously challenged, encouraged, and feel loved and at home. That's the big vision.

The problem is pulling it all together, creating it, and making it not all about image and good graphics and pictures. If this blog is going to be a thing, and going to be a part of my ministry, I want it to be led by God completely, and orchestrated and held in place by Him and FOR HIS GLORY, because if it's done in my own strength and for my glory, then it's all just in vain.
So I have been, a bit, but will be praying more how the blog should be created/designed, and how I should organize it, because I'm not sure how to connect the acne portion, to the christian resource portion, or if that should be a completely separate site. We shall see, and thanks for bearing with me throughout this process!

Now on to my life, what's been happening lately? Turns out, quite a lot!
August and September have been very full for me, I moved back into my parents house, and have a nice little nook here, started my senior year of college, joined the leadership team at BCM, and got a new job. It's taken some adjusting, but I felt throughout the summer that God was leading me to a new season in the fall, and that He definitely was, and although of course, there are some hard patches, God's been awesome at guiding the process and equipping me and blessing me in so many ways.

As I keep telling you about my life has been, I'm going to have to take a moment to brag on God, because He has been so amazing, answering prayers left and right, provision after provision, He's been growing me so much lately!

Before school even started, He called me to a week of prayer for the semester, for me, for the things He's going to do, and in the middle of it, He convicted me about evangelism, and actually gave me the boldness to evangelize to someone (PRAISE GOD!!), and He's just been doing so much in my life that I am just overflowing with thankfulness. 

And I'm not joking or over exaggerating when I say there has been SO much change and transformation, both in the past few weeks, and throughout this past year.  

Tomorrow and all of this weekend I'm going to the annual BCM beach retreat, that happens every fall semester in September, and I was just remembered how God used the Beach Retreat to connect me with Him again last semester, and how things were last semester and how different things are now because of Him.

I'll be going on my college ministry's beach retreat tomorrow, and thinking back to last year's beach retreat I remember how lost, confused, in pain, insecure, and alone I felt. I had just been through an incredibly painful time in my life, and was still limping emotionally, mentally, and physically like a wounded animal, I was insecure about my acne, and was unsure about anything having to do with God. I wanted answers, I wanted to feel closeness to Him, I wanted to know why I had to go through all that pain, and I wanted things to get better.

And You know what? God heard me, and He answered my prayers. He met me during that trip, especially during the special time we have with God alone, on the beach, where I got to cry, and yell at Him, and ask Him why He let me go through all that, and then let Him come to me and comfort me. To understand that His love for me was like the waves hitting the shores, over and over again, never stopping, an eternal motion. That He had a plan for me, and He loved me. 

He met me after that trip and continued to meet me throughout this entire year, and He's changed and taught me so much.

Sometimes I complain and cry about my life now, and wish things were better, but I shouldn't, not only because complaining is a sin, but also, when I look back and remember all He has done, and look back at the pictures and the journal entries I wrote, and everything He's done in my life, and repairing my relationship with Him, and growing me and disciplining me, and training me vigorously in godliness and holiness, showing me that He died for me and He loves me--that He is the Lord of everything and to be respected, feared and obeyed--I can only be overwhelmingly thankful. (A gigantic run-on sentence, I know. Bear with me friends, it's late, and I'm hungry!)

Now, fall is officially here, even though it still feels like the end of summer here, and God's been teaching me to die to myself and live for Him and for others, to pour myself out as a drink offering, and put my focus on loving, reaching out to, ministering to, evangelizing to, and encouraging others. 

So often I can be so self focused, and only think about my relationships with others in terms of what they are and aren't providing for me, but God's been reminding me and teaching me, and it's been AWESOME to see what He's been doing. 

He's constantly reminding me what a good God He is. 

And if you can believe it, I haven't even told you the half of what all He's been doing in my life! Hopefully those will be later posts :)

Be praying for me, and my walk, the blog vision, development, and execution/my ministry, and for the Beach Retreat this weekend, that I would yield myself and pour myself out to serve and love others, and that God would touch and speak to many hearts and lives this weekend--including mine!

I'll leave you with this passage: 

1 Corinthians 15:58

⁵⁸ Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I love you all, and will be writing soon!

--Ariana

Called: To Seek and Obey

Hey all,

I just wanted to give you all a quick update on some things I've been thinking about, as well as making some declarative statements to myself about the future and what it holds. 

I think what's been happening is that I have so much to do, and so much looming before me, that I have yielded over and over again to the temptation to just not to do anything/.

I need to be creating the new blog, I need to be working on things for my services marketing class, I need to researching apartments and filling out job applications, I need to buy a new laptop, but what do I do?

I go to school or go to work, come home, eat, and then just veg, Watch YouTube videos for hours, scroll around on Pinterest, research things that aren't of any real importance. 

I don't know why my response to the conviction to do important things is just to slink into my old habits, and I've been noticing so much backsliding in myself that it's been driving me crazy.

Not only procrastination and putting off the things of God, but also the temptation to be vain and to be too focused on my looks is always there, whether its in a positive or a negative way. It could look like me researching what to do cure perpetually dry hair, checking out my dark circles in the mirror, or taking a selfie and thinking I look cute, I feel that old pendulum trying to swing back and forth inside of me and it's driving me crazy. 

Everything inside me longs to pour myself out to God and to others as a drink offering, a sacrifice of praise and service, yet the old flesh keeps rising up, telling me I can make it on my own, I should focus on myself, I deserve a few minutes of checking social media, my life is so hard, I deserve to complain and vent a little, that sins aren't such a big deal. 

That flesh, I want it dead, crucified, burned into a harmless pile of ashes, never again to bother me, to try to get me off track. 

I so often forget I'm living in a spiritual battle, that if my intention is to serve God and bring Him glory and tell others about Him, satan will never stop trying to get me off track or render me ineffective. 

Throughout this past year, I've noticed one of the biggest traps satan uses to keep me out of the game, to get me off track is just me. To keep me focused on me. To keep me looking in every mirror, trying to create the perfect wardrobe, messing with my hair, trying to perfect my skin, thinking about how others seeing me, trying to nourish and cultivate ME ME ME ME ME. 

First it was deep rooted insecurity and trying to become society's definition of perfection, and fighting against myself and the world tooth and claw to get there, the obvious kind of self absorption, then came the more hippie kind, where I "needed" to spend a ton of time listening to music, taking mysteriously cryptic photos of myself, properly "nourishing" my soul, and amassing a hipster wardrobe kind of self absorption that feeds on the philosophy, "You can't love others until you properly love yourself!" 

Then the year that appears in my memory to be swathed in darkness and shadows happened, and I don't really know what was happening inside of me then. I was in very many ways, just struggling to survive, trying to resurrect myself, convince myself without much success that my body and my mind and my heart weren't all just done. 

Jesus has done a lot of work since then, taking me at my word when I asked Him long ago to refine me in His fire and burn away my dross. I don't know why things happened the way they did, but they happened, and He has taught me a lot from it, things I don't ever want to forget. 

I want to have them tattooed on my arm, my forehead, anything to keep me from forgetting, backsliding, wasting what He brought me through, misusing the time He gave me. 

That's why I can't give the trap of me, and all the other distractions satan waves in front of my face on a daily basis keep me from every day going into God's presence and chasing after what He wants me to do. 

This isn't my photo, I got it from Pinterest, link here but the urgency of that verse, and the context of the story really stands out to me as I think about my own life and all the things I need to do, but don't do. This verse is a quote from the book of Esther in the Bible, when Esther, an unlikely queen of hidden Jewish heritage, is put in a position where her people, the Israelite's, are in danger of being wiped out. The quote above was spoken from Mordecai, Esther's uncle, to urge her to speak to her husband, King Xerxes, about saving the Israelites. In the end, his words and God's conviction led Esther to fast and pray, and then obey, ultimately playing a role in saving the nation of Israel from slaughter. 

Her story must have not made sense to her while it was happening, but God knew what He was doing when He placed her in King Xerxes' court, He had her there for a reason, He gave her a purpose, she just needed to seek guidance, than obey.

In a way, I am no different. No, I'm not a Jewish maiden so beautiful I was chosen to be queen, and I'll probably never do anything quite so dramatic as save an entire nation from slaughter, but God knows what He's doing in my life too.

He's given me purpose, He has things He wants me to accomplish in my life, He has a purpose for the little clay pot that is me. 

My role, like her's, like anyone who follows Christ, is to seek guidance and instruction, then obey. 

It's comforting and convicting. 

I know the first step is to connect with Him, which lately, has been harder than usual. 

I often feel like I can sort of understand what God wants me to do, and what direction to go in, but as far as Him, and how to connect with Him?

To me that's far more of a mystery, but of course that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. 

Found here

One of God's many promises is that when we call on His name and earnestly seek after Him, He will reveal Himself to us, so I guess I just need to rest in that promise, and try.

That's only a part of what's been on my mind lately, more will come later, as the pieces come together and I ask God for guidance and things get figured out. 

For now the plan is still to create another blog, as intimidating as that is, and to have a couple of main threads running on there, with the goal of sharing what God is teaching me, has taught me in the past. To give a more specific glimpse into into what I plan on writing about, a longtime goal of mine has been to create an online resource specifically for Christians who suffer from acne, to be a support and try to answer some of the questions I always had. I remember when my acne was beyond horrible, several times, trying to find a place online for Christians going through the same thing I was, trying to handle it all in a godly way but not knowing how, and just not knowing what to do and needing support, and not finding a single resource online that was helpful. That's what I want to be on my new blog, among many other things.

I also just really want to share the different things God is teaching me and putting on my heart, it seems like every time I read a scripture or hear a sermon, I just want to share and teach about it, as best I can, and SHARE how awesome God and His word and knowledge is! 

This is all just the rough draft forming in my mind, nobody take it as gospel fact, as I will be praying about it and asking for guidance, but if it is God's will, I'm hoping to get the new blog up in a month. 

Along with ALL of the other important things I need to get done.

Pray for me guys, it's a lot, and sometimes I feel like I have so much going on I'm coming undone, but then I need to remind myself--HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. 

I love you all, comment if you want to chat, or need prayer, or just want to comment on something I've said, I love reading them and replying, I honestly, honestly do. 

Many blessings,

Ariana 

He Makes All Things New

I promised I would be sharing more often, and here I am, and my goal is to share some of the things that have been going on in my heart and mind, to be vulnerable, helpful, and encouraging, and to bring a voice into the silence that this blog inhabits so often.

First of all, let me say that I have been struggling with a huge amount of fear/writer's block when it has come to this blog lately. I would sit in front of my computer and think "Okay Ari, you made a commitment to write more often, God is doing stuff in your life, you have stuff in your head that you could write about--so write!" But more often I would get no more than a paragraph in before giving in to my doubts and fears.

But, letting fear boss me around isn't a good norm for me or anyone to be in, so I decided that today, I would share. 

So what's been going on with me?

It's the middle of last semester as a Junior at UWF, so I've been trying (mostly) to do my best and head into my senior year well, having done my best and worked against this beast of procrastination in my life. So far it's been going pretty well, I've had some slip-ups and a disappointing test grade, but I have to remind myself that that's just further motivation to do my best to bring GOD glory through this semester.

And that leads to the what has been defining this time in my life, and what should be defining all of my life, who I am and what I do, which is seeking after God, meditating in His word, and actually doing what He tells me to do, and orienting my whole life around bringing Him glory. 

In late February God made the way for me to go to a weekend conference with my college ministry, and there, along with conviction of give up social media, had led to deeper and deeper conviction that God needs to be at the center of my life, and for that to be something I actually live instead of just say. 

To read the Word, to live every moment asking myself, "Is this action, this word, this thought, this motive glorifying to God? Am I bringing HIM glory and honor and recognition through my life?"

One of the worst habits I have gotten into is to have an attitude of a combination between self pity and a wrong view of God. Too often I catch myself thinking, "Why am I here? Why did you make me? Why me? Why am I like this? Who are you, God? Can you really be good, and how can you be good if my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to? "

I marginalize God and think of Him as little and weak, unable or unwilling to solve my problems, and more than that I put my own dreams, plans, and comfort above God's glory. First of all--my life is not as bad as I  often think it is, as I drag my mind once more through a slog of self pity, Jesus has blessed me in so many ways, so not only am I guilty of accusing God, I am guilty of not being thankful for what He has given me.

Sure some things may not be the way I want them to be, and I'm confused about some things, but I have a pretty healthy, functioning body, I have two parents that love me and support me, and so often go out of their way for me, not only to help me increase my walk with Christ, but also just to help me in general, I have been given so many opportunities throughout my life, I have a car, I have two jobs, I was able to move out and now I'm in a little apartment, albeit with it's faults, but with a low rent, quiet neighbors, and surrounded by trees. 

That is so much to be thankful for me, and that most of that stuff doesn't even matter eternally. 

Once more I find myself to be foolish, rebellious, self indulgent and self pitying, forgetting who God is, what He can do, and what He has already done. 

The fact that He has done many things in my life is pretty awesome, but that shouldn't be why I worship Him, why I seek after Him, why I read the word or pray. I should be doing all those things because He Is who He Is. He is the God that has always existed and will always exist, who created everything and creating new things every day, who has the power to forgive our sins, to change and renew our lives, and loves us despite the fact that our best attempt at a good deed is at best a filth-covered rag. He Is Holy, He Is Good, He Is Love, He Is Just, He Is Faithful--He is the very definition of those words and the only reason we can have any kind of a concept of those attributes is because He exists.  

I keep just seeing the faults in the present, keep looking to future wondering how it's going to turn out, when I should be looking up, to Him, and looking for, expecting, glorifying Him in my life. 

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what that process completely looks like yet, but I'm trusting my Heavenly Dad to show me. 

I will be the first person to tell you I DO NOT have this life/Christianity stuff figured out. In a lot of ways, I'm kind of a mess, but I'm God's mess and I know He can figure it all out. 

I would ask you all to pray for me, there is a lot about me that still needs to change, a lot that confuses me, a lot I'm not sure, and terrified of being wrong about. 

And just know, that if you ever have something you're going through, if something I write about resonates  with you, or if you're just going through a tough time, leave me a comment and I promise I will lift you up in prayer, and if the Lord gives me the words to say, try to help or encourage you in any way I can. 

Thank you all for reading and for bearing with me through all these times, I know I haven't been the most consistent blogger, but God's working on me. 

I love you all, and I promise, God loves you so much more!

Ariana