Hello,
This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus.
Originally posted on March 23, 2013
"Since you have been raised from the dead with Christ Jesus.."
Clawing at dirt, filling my eyes, my mouth,
Flailing, reaching desperately,
The earth is swallowing me whole,
I know it's not right,
I fight, but gravity seems so much stronger,
I want to close my eyes,
Let it drag me down to darkness,
Away from the light,
Many choices I make,
I compromise,
Darkness is easier than light, right?
If life can't be happy, at least it should be fun,
Fun like a firecracker,
Bursts in flashes of laughter and sparks giddy,
Burns down to the taste of ashes,
I taste when I lay in my bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
Wondering where my life went,
Why nothing satisfies.
I thought I had sunk so far down, so much dirt on me,
The light couldn't reach me,
Yet I stretched up my hand,
Tired of the wrongness of life, the badness in me,
Dirt like darkness choking me,
Poison sugar,
My hand reached up, a crack in the soil found,
And strong fingers grasped my pale digits,
Pulled, and kept pulling,
Gasping, coughing, lungs burning,
Light sears my eyes, I blink,
Dirty lashes fluttering, grains of soil clinging to me,
I look up and I see,
Eyes burning through with love,
Sparking with tears, his tan calloused hand,
Reaches out and cups my freckled dirty cheek,
Stained with many wrongs,
His voice like gentleness and strength, Father, Mother, Teacher, Brother,
"I love you Ari. I love you girl."
I gasp out a sob, clutch the hand cupping my cheek,
Don't ever let me go....
"I will never leave you..."
Little by little, I disentangle myself, vines wrap around,
His eyes ever guiding me on,
His hand still grasping mine,
The journey begins,
He whispers words to me as I go
Who He is, Who I am, tightly
Why I need to keep going, not let the hissing lies,
Coil around me once more,
Vegetation that clings and holds,
Vines that strangle, sink so deep, they very nearly become a part of me,
It hurts, ripping off age old lies,
Can't I just relax? I sigh,
Why this constant work, this maze,
These lies, I'll never get through,
"Since then you have been raised with Christ Jesus, set your heart on things above..."
His voice gently commands,
And for that taste of unconditional love,
I follow the eyes, the voice, trying the reach the full light, the break of day,
A never ending sky.
I fall, weary,
The soil rises, filling my senses,
You'll never change, you're bad, you just are,
The slithering voices of lies, dirt like guilt, coats my tongue,
Despair fills my soul,
I cry to heaven,
"Have I wasted it all?"
Thunder rolls, Tears fall,
Rain comes,
Washes me slowly,
Tears of heaven leaving trails on my sin stained skin,
All of a sudden,
I don't push my way through alone,
He is all around,
My limbs armed with a strength,
Flowing from Him,
His eyes flash as I stretch my arms wide, high,
Words, mine, yet not, flowing from deep caverns in my heart,
Raining out iridescence of the spirit, boldness, freedom,
I collapse into his arms,
Chains broken, New creation. Dead to me, Alive in Christ.
Light explodes, sky expands, vibrant blue, horizons never end,
Yet His voice reminds
"Set your mind on things above, not earthly things, For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
Hidden means it needs searching for,
New goal, new mission,
Passion, Vision,
Search for my life, hidden in Him,
And never stop.
....................
Have a good day you guys!
-Ariana
