Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Rest of My Life

So. This is essentially it. I've graduated. I remember being in third grade, and looking at th seniors and thinking that I would never be that old, I'd be in school forever. And honestly, it feels like I have been in highschool for forever, and SO much has happened.

I remember my freshman year. 2009. I was so different back then, when I look at a picture of myself from that year, its almost like looking at a stranger. That was before I working out or doing anything like that, so I was a bit on the chubby side, but more than that, I remember how unself assured I was, but at the same time, I was full to the brim with imagination and emotion. I wrote so many stories, and they were actually quite good, I so was ready to give myself passionately to any cause or fancy that came my way.

And as the years went by, I learned I more and I grew and some dreams died, others sprung up anew.  Times I was closer to God and other I was farther away, times when discouragement really got to me, and times where I could just feel the love from my Heavenly Father wrap around me.
And now I sit back, look upon my highschool career, and wonder, "Have I pleased God? Have I sought to please God, or myself?" So many times I sought to please myself. I made myself miserable obsessing about MY appearance, MY acne and how much it hurt me and made ME feel ashamed, MY triumphs, and MY struggles. But where is God in the midst of those four years of teenagedom?


I'm not going to pretend I'm a perfect Christian, stand here and tell you that I've been nothing but faithful these past four years, that God was foremost in my mind and heart, because most of the time, He wasn't. I was too worried about myself, and my own warped opinion of myself, not to mention how much I worried about what other people thought of me. I for so long wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be that perfect blonde southern girl, with the shiny straight hair and tanned skin. I wanted to be that brilliant blogger who attracts people with her style and writing flair, her photography and panache. I wanted to be the athlete, the volleyball player, that girl who was confident and coordinated. I wanted to be the girl who effortlessly pulled things off.
So often I was so unsatisfied with who I was, my insecurity and worry ate at me.

But I think, throughout of these four years, God has taught me so many things, but one of the things that I think is the most important that he has taught me, and lord knows, will continue teaching me for the rest of my life, is that it is NOT ABOUT ME. I could tell you that he has taught to accept myself, which in many ways He has, and he has blessed me so much, but I realize now, that my goal in life isn't to "accept myself" or "love myself" its love God above all else, to love others, preach the Gospel to them, to serve them and show them how God can transform their lives, and most of all, to serve GOD with everything I do. It's hard. My bent is to be selfish, my bent is to worry about what I want and what I look like and thinking about how others see me. And every day I need to read God's word and renew my mind, and get my mindset where it's supposed to be.

And I realize not many people are going to read this, and fewer, if any, are going to comment. But you know what? If I've encouraged even one person, that's good enough for me. Who am I to expect hundreds of readers and dozens of comments? I'm thankful God is keeping me humble for now, and he's taught me so much through this blog, and even if it never becomes popular, I'm very thankful it exists. So many different stages of my life have been recorded through these posts these past few years, and I don't need validation from others to make that important.

But those of you who do read my paltry ramblings, I love you guys. I know I'm not a perfect blogger, but I hope you guys have been at least a little helped and encouraged by my writings, the outpourings of a highschooler's heart. But that highschooler isn't here anymore. Who knows what God has in store for my future? All I know is I will follow where He leads. Thanks for coming with me on the journey that is the rest of my life.

Love you guys!
God bless forever and ever,


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