I was made to communicate.
Ever since I was little, people haven't been able to get me to stop talking. It's the number one thing I got in trouble for in elementary school, although these days I've learned to raise my hand before blurting things out. Some things were meant to be, and they are placed in your life for a reason.
Although I could not have seen it at the time, everything in my life has happened for a reason, namely to tell others about it, to encourage them and to warn them away from the mistakes I made.
Because in all honesty, we all have the urging to minister to those who are trapped in what we were once trapped in. Lately, God's been nudging on my heart to come close to him, to use the gift that he's given me for Him, but I can only do so with any kind of effectiveness when I come close to Him and let Him remove my impurities and the fallen-ness of my human sin nature, to die to myself every day.
What do I need to talk about?
Self Hatred.
It's a heavy topic, and a loaded topic, I know, and one that isn't often discussed, but it needs to be addressed because I was there. I was in the blackness and the evil that is self hatred and thus have the pull and call on my heart to call out to those who may be in the place I was once was, to throw them a life preserver, to beg them not to continue down that path.
Because while you're in it, though it seems bleak and dark, it doesn't seem abnormal, and trying to stop the pattern seems futile, until you just assume it'll be a part of your life forever.
But it isn't normal.
It isn't normal, it isn't healthy, and it doesn't have to be there forever, and it shouldn't be.
So here's my life preserver. If you're in the place I'll be describing, please take it. Take it from someone who lived in that place way longer than was healthy, you want to leave as soon as you possibly can. It's so much better on the other side.
So first of all, what is self hatred? We all have times where we are unhappy with ourselves, but what is chronic self hatred, the kind that doesn't go away, but just gets blacker and uglier and manifests into all sorts of character defects and spiritual problems?
"Self-hatred (also called self-loathing) refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced against oneself. (Wikipedia, I know, never quote wikipedia, but as far as I could see, it had the best definition.)
The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as "persons with low self-esteem".[citation needed] Self-hatred and shame are important factors in some or many mental disorders, especially disorders that involve a perceived defect of oneself (e.g. body dysmorphic disorder). Self-hatred is also a symptom of many personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder,[1] as well as depression. It can also be linked to guilt. Personal self-hatred and self-loathing can result from an inferiority complex."
Honestly, even talking about it kind of scares me. But it's serious stuff, and I'm going to share part of my story with you that I don't normally share with people because I think it's so important that anyone, ANYONE, who is doing or saying or feeling any of the things I did to stop everything and begin the process of getting out of that mindset. It took me a solid six months to even begin to make headway, that's how bad it was.
So what happened to me? How did I get to that place?
I don't really know when it started. But somewhere, back in my childhood, although I had a relatively happy and normal childhood, began an inferiority complex that would haunt me all the way through my teenage years and sometimes even now. It was just little things, like assuming people wouldn't like me, or that I wasn't attractive. It wasn't something that consumed my thoughts, just sometimes I would feel inferior or jealous of those I believed to be better than me or who had more than me. I was unhappy with myself sometimes, but I usually didn't give much thought to it. It wasn't until I entered the teenage years that my life and my perception of myself really began to change. It was simple yet devastating things, like a friend pointing out two pimples on my face, or another calling me fat, or the way people didn't gravitate to me the way they did to the pretty girls, the way guys liked my friends and not me, how no matter how hard I tried, I didn't think I could be pretty or normal or accepted, and yet I desperately, with flailing attempts, tried so hard to be all those things.
I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be like those girls who had perfect tan skin and shiny hair that never got oily or frizzy and who were skinny and everything looked good on them. I wanted to be the girl that people stopped and stared at, that everyone loved, and I took every person avoiding me, every thoughtless comment as confirmation that I would never be good enough as I was.
Yet all of that was not quite self hatred yet, because the words hadn't started.
Because guys, words are incredibly, incredibly powerful. God created the heavens and earth with words. We can put chains around ourselves with words as well, and that's exactly what I did.
If you've read the post about my testimony ( read here ) then you'll know that the real downhill turning point came after I went on a missions trip and had felt so alone and outcast that I decided I would change whatever I needed to so I wouldn't be that ugly, overweight, awkward, unpopular girl anymore. I was determined I would whip myself into shape. And that's exactly what happened, with devastating consequences.
I started running, and the action itself didn't cause the problem, it was the attitude I had about it, and the things I said to myself and about myself. I was fighting a war against my body, against myself, against the shell that I felt had so failed me and was so wrong, and that turned into that horrible thing called self hatred.
I had always been prone to insulting myself, but now it was happening regularly.
But one instance really marked what I think is the true beginning of the self hatred I naively let into my life. I was on a run, but I don't even remember why I was so furious with myself, maybe I wasn't running hard enough or fast enough, but I remember I just began running as fast as I could, verbally and mentally yelling insults at myself the entire time.
"You're fat."
"You'll always be fat."
"You baby, why can't you run faster?"
"You're worthless, I take that back, you're LESS than worthless."
"You won't be anything until you're pretty."
I was so mean to myself. So as I was running and crying and yelling at myself, and as I went home and poked at my dinner, barely touching my food, something inside me felt dead, and something dark had come inside me. Self hatred had begun, and the battle had only just begun.
My weight evened out some, but as any insecure person knows, once one "problem" is fixed, a new one commands one's attention. For me, it was my skin. I had had a few breakouts before, but nothing terrible, but I decided to change my routine and began breaking out a lot more, and the dark just became bigger, but in a different way. I began punishing myself for something I couldn't even control. Now the self hatred didn't flare up usually when I was around people. I was always insecure, but the really dark terrible times always happened when I was alone, just me and my room and my mirror. I would stand in front of the mirror literally screaming obscenities and insults at myself, saying things that I wouldn't say to anyone else, but somehow it was okay to say them to myself.
"You're a monster."
"You are hideous."
"No one would ever love you, how could they? What's there to love?"
" No decent human being looks like you do."
"You're cursed."
"Why do you even try? You'll never be pretty or good enough."
"You are so ugly."
"Why were you even born?"
"Why did God even bother to create you?"
Just looking at them makes me sad, because I can remember those nights, standing in the yellow light of the bathroom mirror, my face distorted with rage and disgust with myself, growling things at myself that I would never consider saying to another human being.
People, that's not normal.
The fits of rage and panic and crying, pinching my arms and my thighs because I needed release from the pressure and pain, punching and hitting myself because I felt I deserved punishment for being in the body I was, throwing things at my reflection in mirror, that's not normal, and no one has to live that way.
I loathed myself.
I wish that was an exaggeration, but it wasn't. I hated myself more than any other human being I knew, and I almost hated God for creating me the way He did. I firmly disliked Him regardless, and doubted His character. How could a good God create someone destined for loneliness, failure, and ugliness? How could He create someone so set up for failure?
Honestly, I'm kind of scared to publish this, because I know people who knew me at that time and had no idea this was going on will read this. All I can say is that like any insecure person, I tried to act as confident and perfect as I could. No one was supposed to see the uncontrollable crying, the panic attacks about my looks, no one was supposed to hear the things I said to myself, things so mean that I can't fathom how I said them, yet until recently, they slipped so easily into my vocabulary.
And I'm here to say if ANY of this sounds familiar to you, if you can look at any of this and think "Hey, I can relate to that," or "That sounds like me," Please PLEASE I beg of you, go to God and begin praying and asking for Him to show you how to get out of this, to reveal His love to you, to begin the journey of walking out of self hatred and into His love.
If you recognize yourself in this post, and are kind of scared because you realize how crazy and dark it all is, FEAR NOT. God is bigger than Satan, bigger than darkness, bigger than chains, and He over came death, so He can overcome Satan's influence on your life, and you aren't stuck where you are.
God rescued me, and still rescues me every day, and he can rescue you too.
Start by praying, praying so much to God about this. Tell Him how you feel, tell Him what you're going through, let Him into your pain, let go of that cynical attitude, and live in expectancy and belief that God can work in you and transform you. Transformation, however, cannot happen without being with and seeking after God. Don't be mistaken though, God is not your means to the end which is freedom and transformation. He IS the end, the only end. But every journey should, every battle should start with, and continue with, going to Lord in prayer, giving things to Him, and seeking his face.
The second thing I would advise is to watch your words, watch what you think and what you say. How do you think those chains got built up? Satan planted those thoughts in your mind, you started thinking them, then you started saying them. With God's power and strength guiding you, do the opposite.
Declare HOPE over yourself, and speak the WORD out loud. Speaking it out loud is so important. Because I used to think that only if I thought something, if I believed it, then I should speak it out loud. But if you're captive to self hatred and listening and believing and taking part in Satan's lies, you're not going to believe those things about yourself. I didn't. Don't wait until you "feel" it. SAY it. Tell yourself "I feel worthless, but I'm not. God Himself came down to earth and paid the ultimate price for me, I was bought with His eternal blood, I am not worthless." Quote scripture to yourself, ""For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to prosper you and not to harm you. (Jer.29:11) Speak the truth over yourself.
The next thing that is so important is to recognize when lies start coming to your head and nip them as soon as you recognize them. Satan is so awful, guys. He really is. You think those thoughts are coming from you? You may be repeating them, but they started in the pits of hell. You think it was YOUR idea to tell yourself you're worthless and will never be good enough, you think it was all you doing to try to get you to endlessly "improve" yourself? Forgive my bluntness, but HECK no.
Self Hatred was all Satan's idea, because not only does it cause you to tear yourself down, reduce you to an illogical state of paranoia, anxiety, and destructive behavior, it alienates you from God, and keeps you from even thinking you could be used by God, or live in any other state than the one you're living in.
