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Monday, December 31, 2012

Brink of Flight

Hello,
This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus. 

Originally posted on December 31, 2012


It's the last day of 2012 everyone, and hasn't so much happened? The end of the world came and went without any ruckus or worldwide upheaval, and year full of smiles and tears, transformation, hellos and goodbyes, is finally drawing to a close. Is it just me, or has 2012 seemed like a really significant year? One of those landmark years, where one day, when I am quite adult and settled, will look back and think, "2012...so many good things happened that year..."

I also remember quite clearly developing a new year's resolution list last year, on the last day of 2011, and to follow up with that, I'm going to tell you how I did in fulfilling those, and show you my 13 resolutions for 2013!

Now how my life usually works with new year's resolutions, is I'll make quite a few of them, and some of them I will work on, and others I will completely forget about...however, the cool thing is, that at the end of every year when I'm looking back at the previous year's resolutions, I discover quite a few resolutions were fulfilled without my even thinking about it (thanks God!!). The story is the same this year.

2) I was awarded a job at my university as a part of my financial aide!

3) I travelled to Thailand with none of my family, just my DTS team :)

4) Unfortunately I was not able to take a photography course, as I was out of town for the fall semester.

5) I didn't publish Secret Keeper, because honestly, it would need a huge overall before it was fit for publishing.

6) I did get all A's in my spring semester! Yay!

7) I did sing in front of an actual audience, at a talent show with my friend Brittany :)

8) I do have my own car now, given to my family for free, and fixed up by my daddy! A '99 Toyota Corolla named Addie :)

9) I sadly did not run another 5k..I did however, run five miles, which was one of my running goals.

10) I put one blue streak in my hair and didn't like it very much...


So as you can see, A LOT of them were accomplished and literally--pretty much all of that success was all because of God lining things and arranging them, so thank you heavenly Daddy!

But really. God accomplished so much in the year of 2012, He completely turned my life around, showed me so much about myself, and gave me hope and life like I've never known before. I'm going to do a separate post going more into detail about big highlights of 2012, and DTS, and what God has done in me personally this past year, I wanted this post to be mainly about resolutions, hopes, and wishes for 2013.

Here we go!! 13 resolutions/hopes/wishes/dreams for 2013!!









I need to have a time of worship, prayer, and quiet time every day, just to be in the presence of God, and hear Him in the midst of this busy world.




Remember how my resolution last year was to get all A's? Well I did...and my nerves were nearly fried by the end of the semester. While getting A's was satisfying, crying over exams because I was so nervous and stressed, studying for ten hours, and obsessing about my work isn't worth it in my opinion. I was placing my value as a person on my grades, and that wasn't okay. This semester I am determined to put God first, and not put an undue amount of pressure and stress upon myself about my grades. Of course I will work hard and do the best I can--without burning myself out and getting all stressed out about it



Exactly what it says, I want prayer to be more than just something I do when I have my quiet time. I want to intercede, I want to live a life in conversation with Jesus, talking and listening. I want to pray for those I know aren't saved, the nations that are unreached, for my future, discovering what all God has for me, in the future and in the today.




The last and most important :) For what am I, and all these endeavors, without him?

--Ariana



Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Beautiful Flaw


Hey guys, I know it's been deplorably long since I've written but I guess I don't want to write when I'm not feeling particularly inspired, I'd rather write nothing at all rather than make something up and try to make it work, so I hope you guys understand :)

Have you guys ever felt hope? I'm sure you have. The uprising, uplifting of the spirit, that makes the tips of your fingers tremble and your stomach clench because you hope it will all turn out for good but there's always a chance it might not.
I've hoped, and I've cursed hope alternately throughout my life, and there was even a point in my life where I gave it up completely because I figured what was the point?
As far as I could see, hope was a cruel mistress, bringing you up, then letting you fall,  promising things that she never gives.
But lately I've been trying to give hope a fair shake, and realizing that my definition of hope, and what hope actually means is very different.
Same goes with my definition of beauty, but that's not really a surprise, now is it?

When I looked back at what hope meant for me in my past, the best way to describe it is:  nearly instantaneous fulfillment of the fantasies within my head.
When I really liked a guy, I invested a lot of hope into him, and what I thought we should have together, what I was pretty sure he was feeling, all mixed up with my rather unrealistic romantic dreaming. And if that didn't work out the way I had hoped, I crashed and burned, and who did I blame? Hope, for "making" me fall, "making" me think about him and dream about him, and for not letting it all work out the way I thought it should have gone.

When I was going through a really bad patch with my skin or my looks in general, I would usually begin strolling the aisles of the great shopper's paradise: Target, looking, hoping for some dream product that would finally make my hair glossy and my skin clear and glowy, make my insecurities disappear as I feel my attractiveness returns.
But if, say, that product doesn't work out the way I thought I would, who do I blame? Hope.

Now, as the full circle of this year starts to come to a close, I'm starting to realize that the things I was pinning on Hope, are really belong to Expectation and Fantasy. And the anger and hurt inside of me were unfounded, the way I was drawing away refusing to hope, taking a negative view on life...that was just harming me. I built up walls, inwardly scoffing when people quoted verses like "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."  I closed myself off to the idea of love, preferring instead to flirt, and have flings, things that made me feel good about myself, but didn't require me to get emotionally attached. I decided that if anything in my life was going to "well" I had to make it happen myself, because God, or hope, or any of those fairytale happy things weren't going to get me there.

God began showing me that the reason my life kept not turning out the way I wanted it to, the reason I was nearly always unhappy with myself, the reason why as soon as one of my "flaws" disappeared, I would soon choose another to obsess about, the reason why I was never truly content, always suspicious, losing the ability to dream...
All that was stemming from one major problem, the kink in my plans, the flaw in all my striving: Clear skin, perfect hair, healthy weight, good grades, quite a few boys liking me, pretty clothes, electronics, creativity, a good singing voice...none of that mattered, none of that would satisfy me and they didn't, if God wasn't first in my heart, if I wasn't seeking Him and His Kingdom and His righteousness first.

Of course I was bitter, of  course I was angry, if I was placing my identity, the value of who I was on things as changeable as looks, possessions, of course desperation would rise at the very thought of those things being taken away, because according to me, without those things, what was I worth as a person?

Basically what I'm taking a long time to say is, giving up on hope, not trusting God to love you or provide a future, trying to carve your own destiny, and create your own identity and happiness is just simply not going to work. You may be outwardly successful, beautiful, talented, or rich, you may outwardly have it all, and pride to go along with it, but true joy, true peace, true satisfaction, being able to live without the gnawing hunger for more...they will elude you. Trust me, I know, I've been there and back again many times. It's that plain and simply, and yet not, isn't it? It's so often so hard to come to God, guilt, fear, pride, anger, they so often get in the way, keep us far away from the one thing that can truly transform us.


Have a lovely week all :)
--Ariana


Monday, December 3, 2012

Constant Battle


Somehow, no matter what I go through, it's still easy to make God small in my mind.  To compartmentalize Him, place Him in the Bible study box, in the church and campus group box, and forget that He wants to permeate my whole life, be yeast that makes me rise, wine that ferments, bringing me deeper, drawing me away from pollutions that so try to infect my soul.
I know my vices. I am often quick to self criticize, and although God has given me a lot of freedom in that area, it's still hard for me not to focus on my faults, let them consume me in a downward spiral.
Because of that downward spiral, I often drown my thoughts in media, let Pinterest and Netflix drown out my nagging thoughts, the fact that I KNOW I should be doing better, I shouldn't let my appearance get me down.
My mind shouts at me.
"Ari WHY are you worried about your skin, your weight? It's not important! It's dragging you down, making you self focused, making you selfish, getting you off track!"
"Why is this even a struggle for you Ari? Why are you so different from everyone else? No one else struggles with acne like you do, you should be ashamed."
"How long? How long am I going to try and try and never feel like I'm getting anywhere? Stop hoping, it always just lets you down, a quick rise and sickening plummet."
"Ari! Did DTS even DO anything for you? You should know better than to waste your time like that, selfish girl! Wake up and live for the Lord!"
"If you were REALLY passionate for the Lord, you wouldn't let things like this get you down, how long have you battled this? You're never going to be able to hold onto freedom OR  close relationship with the Lord. Might as well just give up."

All these voices, in my head twenty-four seven. It's so hard to separate truth from identity, but I know I should be doing more, so I make promises, which I always seem to breaking. I want to have a good quiet time, but the call to drown everything in TV or Facebook seems to be louder. God is my Protector, and I know God has made me stronger than I was, I am not hopeless, not unless I lose hope, don't daily remind myself that my identity comes FROM HIM, and because of Him, I am BEAUTIFUL.
The daily battle. Reading the word, knowing what is right, then through God's love, APPLYING it to my daily life, changing the thoughts in my mind, changing the attitude of my heart.

Romans 7:14-25For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!


Paul's cry is my own. A desperate cry to the heavens, "GOD, I can't do this on my own! I know I don't have to, but yet I try, I know You offer out your hand, but somehow I always push Your help away, try to figure it all out on my own, and it never works! I want to LIVE in You, not just breathe to death, because when it comes right down to it, at the end of the day, when the pleasures I indulge in leave me, like ashes crumbling in the wind, I am left barren, naked, yet I KNOW You are offering shelter, covering, why is it so hard for me to just come to You, just come to the life You freely offer,  why is this always a battle, a war, I can't let down my guard for one second, yet You offer strength, I am weak, I have no excuse, God help me come to You, You are my only answer, why can't I just come to You first? Deliver me from this body of death!!"

I listen to Lecrae in the darkness, lit only by the white glow of my laptop screen, and the words flow out raw, the wounds of my heart bleeding all over the page. Everywhere I turn, the voices are different, conflicting, confusing, condemning, guilt oozes, green and acid burning, my heart recoils, I want to retreat away from the world, shut myself away, try to stop the hurling shouts, ricocheting off the walls of my own mind, but they never leave,  and yet, as I do gut wrenching battle, tears falling, taking steps forward and steps back, one voice, a slip and shimmer of white, penetrates the dark and guilty mire of confused chaos--

"You are a SAINT, my DAUGHTER, my BRIDE. You are not beaten, for I am your strength, these trials these times, you were created for such times as these, walk bravely My child, and rely on Me, Oh my child, come to Me, Oh My love, do not resist Me, let Me strengthen you, embolden you. I know you are sorry from your heart's core, but repentance is turning away, walking rightly, looking to My voice, My face, My love, and not looking away. You have the Almighty, Everlasting, Alpha and Omega YAHWEH within you, YOU ARE NOT BEATEN. For when I AM is within you, WHO can be against you?"

He roars like a Lion, the Warrior King, Raw Power, Lightning Flashing, Pure Adrenaline, Strength unlike anything anyone has EVER seen, within me.
I leave forgiven, redeemed, reminded, and determined.
Bondservant of Christ.
Highest title, I am proud to bear.

One more battle won. Transformation begins once again.