Hey guys, I know it's been deplorably long since I've written but I guess I don't want to write when I'm not feeling particularly inspired, I'd rather write nothing at all rather than make something up and try to make it work, so I hope you guys understand :)
Have you guys ever felt hope? I'm sure you have. The uprising, uplifting of the spirit, that makes the tips of your fingers tremble and your stomach clench because you hope it will all turn out for good but there's always a chance it might not.
I've hoped, and I've cursed hope alternately throughout my life, and there was even a point in my life where I gave it up completely because I figured what was the point?
As far as I could see, hope was a cruel mistress, bringing you up, then letting you fall, promising things that she never gives.
But lately I've been trying to give hope a fair shake, and realizing that my definition of hope, and what hope actually means is very different.
Same goes with my definition of beauty, but that's not really a surprise, now is it?
When I looked back at what hope meant for me in my past, the best way to describe it is: nearly instantaneous fulfillment of the fantasies within my head.
When I really liked a guy, I invested a lot of hope into him, and what I thought we should have together, what I was pretty sure he was feeling, all mixed up with my rather unrealistic romantic dreaming. And if that didn't work out the way I had hoped, I crashed and burned, and who did I blame? Hope, for "making" me fall, "making" me think about him and dream about him, and for not letting it all work out the way I thought it should have gone.
When I was going through a really bad patch with my skin or my looks in general, I would usually begin strolling the aisles of the great shopper's paradise: Target, looking, hoping for some dream product that would finally make my hair glossy and my skin clear and glowy, make my insecurities disappear as I feel my attractiveness returns.
But if, say, that product doesn't work out the way I thought I would, who do I blame? Hope.
Now, as the full circle of this year starts to come to a close, I'm starting to realize that the things I was pinning on Hope, are really belong to Expectation and Fantasy. And the anger and hurt inside of me were unfounded, the way I was drawing away refusing to hope, taking a negative view on life...that was just harming me. I built up walls, inwardly scoffing when people quoted verses like "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." I closed myself off to the idea of love, preferring instead to flirt, and have flings, things that made me feel good about myself, but didn't require me to get emotionally attached. I decided that if anything in my life was going to "well" I had to make it happen myself, because God, or hope, or any of those fairytale happy things weren't going to get me there.
God began showing me that the reason my life kept not turning out the way I wanted it to, the reason I was nearly always unhappy with myself, the reason why as soon as one of my "flaws" disappeared, I would soon choose another to obsess about, the reason why I was never truly content, always suspicious, losing the ability to dream...
All that was stemming from one major problem, the kink in my plans, the flaw in all my striving: Clear skin, perfect hair, healthy weight, good grades, quite a few boys liking me, pretty clothes, electronics, creativity, a good singing voice...none of that mattered, none of that would satisfy me and they didn't, if God wasn't first in my heart, if I wasn't seeking Him and His Kingdom and His righteousness first.
Of course I was bitter, of course I was angry, if I was placing my identity, the value of who I was on things as changeable as looks, possessions, of course desperation would rise at the very thought of those things being taken away, because according to me, without those things, what was I worth as a person?
Basically what I'm taking a long time to say is, giving up on hope, not trusting God to love you or provide a future, trying to carve your own destiny, and create your own identity and happiness is just simply not going to work. You may be outwardly successful, beautiful, talented, or rich, you may outwardly have it all, and pride to go along with it, but true joy, true peace, true satisfaction, being able to live without the gnawing hunger for more...they will elude you. Trust me, I know, I've been there and back again many times. It's that plain and simply, and yet not, isn't it? It's so often so hard to come to God, guilt, fear, pride, anger, they so often get in the way, keep us far away from the one thing that can truly transform us.
Have a lovely week all :)
--Ariana
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