I promised I would be sharing more often, and here I am, and my goal is to share some of the things that have been going on in my heart and mind, to be vulnerable, helpful, and encouraging, and to bring a voice into the silence that this blog inhabits so often.
First of all, let me say that I have been struggling with a huge amount of fear/writer's block when it has come to this blog lately. I would sit in front of my computer and think "Okay Ari, you made a commitment to write more often, God is doing stuff in your life, you have stuff in your head that you could write about--so write!" But more often I would get no more than a paragraph in before giving in to my doubts and fears.
But, letting fear boss me around isn't a good norm for me or anyone to be in, so I decided that today, I would share.
So what's been going on with me?
It's the middle of last semester as a Junior at UWF, so I've been trying (mostly) to do my best and head into my senior year well, having done my best and worked against this beast of procrastination in my life. So far it's been going pretty well, I've had some slip-ups and a disappointing test grade, but I have to remind myself that that's just further motivation to do my best to bring GOD glory through this semester.
And that leads to the what has been defining this time in my life, and what should be defining all of my life, who I am and what I do, which is seeking after God, meditating in His word, and actually doing what He tells me to do, and orienting my whole life around bringing Him glory.
In late February God made the way for me to go to a weekend conference with my college ministry, and there, along with conviction of give up social media, had led to deeper and deeper conviction that God needs to be at the center of my life, and for that to be something I actually live instead of just say.
To read the Word, to live every moment asking myself, "Is this action, this word, this thought, this motive glorifying to God? Am I bringing HIM glory and honor and recognition through my life?"
One of the worst habits I have gotten into is to have an attitude of a combination between self pity and a wrong view of God. Too often I catch myself thinking, "Why am I here? Why did you make me? Why me? Why am I like this? Who are you, God? Can you really be good, and how can you be good if my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to? "
I marginalize God and think of Him as little and weak, unable or unwilling to solve my problems, and more than that I put my own dreams, plans, and comfort above God's glory. First of all--my life is not as bad as I often think it is, as I drag my mind once more through a slog of self pity, Jesus has blessed me in so many ways, so not only am I guilty of accusing God, I am guilty of not being thankful for what He has given me.
Sure some things may not be the way I want them to be, and I'm confused about some things, but I have a pretty healthy, functioning body, I have two parents that love me and support me, and so often go out of their way for me, not only to help me increase my walk with Christ, but also just to help me in general, I have been given so many opportunities throughout my life, I have a car, I have two jobs, I was able to move out and now I'm in a little apartment, albeit with it's faults, but with a low rent, quiet neighbors, and surrounded by trees.
That is so much to be thankful for me, and that most of that stuff doesn't even matter eternally.
Once more I find myself to be foolish, rebellious, self indulgent and self pitying, forgetting who God is, what He can do, and what He has already done.
The fact that He has done many things in my life is pretty awesome, but that shouldn't be why I worship Him, why I seek after Him, why I read the word or pray. I should be doing all those things because He Is who He Is. He is the God that has always existed and will always exist, who created everything and creating new things every day, who has the power to forgive our sins, to change and renew our lives, and loves us despite the fact that our best attempt at a good deed is at best a filth-covered rag. He Is Holy, He Is Good, He Is Love, He Is Just, He Is Faithful--He is the very definition of those words and the only reason we can have any kind of a concept of those attributes is because He exists.
I keep just seeing the faults in the present, keep looking to future wondering how it's going to turn out, when I should be looking up, to Him, and looking for, expecting, glorifying Him in my life.
To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what that process completely looks like yet, but I'm trusting my Heavenly Dad to show me.
I will be the first person to tell you I DO NOT have this life/Christianity stuff figured out. In a lot of ways, I'm kind of a mess, but I'm God's mess and I know He can figure it all out.
I would ask you all to pray for me, there is a lot about me that still needs to change, a lot that confuses me, a lot I'm not sure, and terrified of being wrong about.
And just know, that if you ever have something you're going through, if something I write about resonates with you, or if you're just going through a tough time, leave me a comment and I promise I will lift you up in prayer, and if the Lord gives me the words to say, try to help or encourage you in any way I can.
Thank you all for reading and for bearing with me through all these times, I know I haven't been the most consistent blogger, but God's working on me.
I love you all, and I promise, God loves you so much more!