Metamorphasis/Assurance/Hope/Joy

Hello,

This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus. 

Originally posted on May 1, 2014

Hey guys.

It's been a long time. 

A lot has happened, but that'll happen in four months.

I almost feel like I should be reintroducing myself, because it's true that every year you get older, you learn more, you have experience both that try to build you up and try to break you.

I'm twenty.

Writing it out makes it seem like such a landmark, and every year I change so much, I look at past pictures and it's almost like looking at a different person, because in so many ways, I was a different person. Every year I become a different person. 

My face changing always surprises me. This year, a little rounder, slightly different structure, my hair a little longer, more scars, but somehow, I don't mind.

It's hard to describe a period of transition when you're in it I think. When the dust is sort of settling, and there's hope in your heart despite of everything, because the future doesn't look bleak anymore.

I can look beyond today with hope.

Three months ago, that was all but stamped out.

Although I can't go into extreme detail right now, this past fall and winter and spring have been a time of pretty serious upheaval for me, causing me to question a lot of things I once relied on, and to really examine myself and what I believed and what I would ascribe to. Now before everyone goes and thinks that I've decided not to be a christian anymore--nothing could be farther from the truth. I love God, and without Him my life wouldn't have any meaning. But throughout the past six months I've run into some very serious spiritual questions which shook me to my foundations and nearly broke me. Honestly, I'm still working through some of them. Questions like: Why do we have to suffer in order for God to refine us? Can I really trust that my voice in my head that I could always trust as God's voice? Does God really have my best interests at heart? If so, why is all this happening to me? Why would He lead me into this blackness with seemingly no end in sight? Am I doing something wrong? Why won't God heal me? Healing happens instantaneously in the Bible, why isn't it happening to me? Do I just need to be patient like Job? Why is He letting me hurt this much?

I'm not saying every question is right or justified, but that's what I was feeling. Looking back, I still don't understand it all, but I know God never turned his back on me, the times that we weren't communicating were because I turned my back on Him, I was so hurt and angry that I didn't want to hear His voice. He was always reaching out with love, but I felt like He was a scam artist, promising happiness and giving me a broken heart. 

Although I have had times of reconciliation with God, and I no longer feel that I've lost my best Friend, I'm not quite the same person spiritually as I was before. My biggest prayer is to find a middle ground, to be confident in my spirit in knowing that what I believe is true and that God is good and He loves me and has a wonderful purpose for my life, and feel that same joy that makes me jump and dance and shout and cry in worship and adoration, and at the same time be so rooted and grounded in the Word. 

I know nothing is impossible with God, and I know I'm my biggest impediment to freedom and joy 90% of the time. But please just pray for me, all you out there. 

When I look at my life through unbiased eyes I realize that everything has a purpose, and most of the pressure I'm feeling right now is coming from myself, and He does His best to relieve my burdens even though I so often try to take them back again. 

He is my Beloved, and everything has a purpose, He made the highest heavens, and He has a plan for me, Oh my soul, what stops you from being joyful at the knowledge of this truth that surpasses all ages, that He died for me so that I can commune with Him and spend all eternity with Him, starting now?

I can get so caught up in my worries and my fears that I forget to give things to God, I got kind of out of the habit of doing that this fall, but I want to kick start my joy and faith and love in Him once more, and make my love relationship with Him the only thing I think about as I become one day further into eternity everyday. 

But I'm officially not in the teens anymore, I'm my toe into my twenties, which is so strange to think about, but at the same time it's exhilarating. That uprising, swelling feeling of hope is starting to birth in my heart again, that the future is big and wide and colorful, and the world waits to be explored and I want to explore it. I want to explore this earth God has given us, and all it has to offer, and I want to serve God while doing it, and drink in every second and not take for granted one moment. That's all I know right now.

The best way I can describe it all is that I'm growing and changing, and it isn't a necessarily pleasant process, like being wrapped up in a cocoon isn't really pleasant, but I must by joyful in my growth for without joy, hope, and faith in the Lord, what is this life but dust in my mouth? 

I've given excuses for my lack of joy for too long, I'm too stressed, I can't trust, I can't be happy unless everything is resolved, my life is going the way I thought it would---all that doesn't change the fact that I must chase after joy and all the fruits of the spirit, I must run after the Lord with all my heart, only to realize that He's closer than I every could have dreamed, and He loves me more than I every could have dared to hope or imagine. 

I'm not saying I know what to do in every situation, or even how to proceed right now. But there is reason to worship, there is reason to pray, there is reason to drink in the Word, there is reason to Hope because we are not alone in this existence, and even though it often seems so improbable, there's a God out there who cares more about us than pretty much anything. 

That's reason for joy. That's reason for hope. 

I preach to myself as I write, for even as I do, the doubts rise, memories flash before my eyes, my brain whirs, trying to steal my joy, take away my faith, because the enemy knows where to hit me. But he can't change that God has changed me. He can't change that God loves me. 

Doubts rise higher and I try to keep my head above water, how much longer before I trust Him to hold me up again? Hopefully right now, hopefully tomorrow.

I am in a cocoon and you are too. 

We aren't DONE. 

Isn't that marvelous? We'll never be done, because our lives are hidden with Christ on high. We must continuously ask for our minds to be renewed, for Him to continue completing the good work He began within us, for Him to make perfect those who are being made holy.

Doesn't the Word just fill up a hole inside of you? That thirst inside you, gasping for truth?

My Dad says this benediction sometimes before church ends, and it fills me with such a warmth and security every time I hear it, and so now, as this post comes to a close, I pray this over myself and you, dear reader.

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! 

Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-20

Doesn't that just fill you with His peace and assurance? That His love surpasses knowledge, and He will strengthen us with power through His spirit? That He can do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine?

But anyways :) Thank you for reading this post, thank you for caring about my life, and whether I know you or not, I pray that God just showers revelations of His love upon you.

I'm not done and neither are you.

But thankfully, we can go through this journey of life together, looking upward towards the Father.

All God's love,

Ariana

One

2013 was like a roller coaster, that built up and up and up and then, without warning, hung over the edge for a second, and then plummeted, narrowly carrying me with it. I can't say that I accomplished everything I wanted to, but I'm learning. I had the best semester I ever had, and I had the worst semester I ever had. I had unrestrained joy and sorrow so thick that it nearly took me under, I had times of close intimacy with God and times where I was so angry with Him that I didn't want to pray. Times where I was surrounded by friends and a times where I almost completely isolated myself. Times when I cried and danced for joy, and times when my heart was utterly broken. I was content being single, and then adjusted to being in a godly relationship with an awesome guy. I did the right thing sometimes, and other times I did the wrong deliberately. 

So this year's New Year's post is going to be a little different. Most new year's posts involve hopes of big accomplishments--"I'm going to learn to play the ukulele! I'm going to stop eating chocolate! I'm going to lose 50 lbs! I'm going to learn a new language!" Most people make these resolutions in hopes of DOING more, of becoming a better person, but this year, I don't need more accomplishments, I need to take who I am, and where I am, reflect, heal, move on, and grow. Instead of being Martha who was so concerned with the things she was doing, and the details of her tasks and goals and to-do lists that she lost sight of the One thing that should matter, the only thing we should live for, and that is sitting at Jesus' feet, worshiping Him and soaking in His presence, and learning from Him, always learning and growing.  

My hopes for this 2014 are a little different.

I will have One goal, to repair my relationship with Jesus, to bring my broken heart to Him and move forward.

I hope to heal and grow.

I hope to conquer the fears holding me back.

I hope not to get back to where I used to be, but to move on to someplace better, to find a place in my faith where I have hope in peace that moves with me as I grow.

I hope to take nothing for granted, to give thanks for everything, and to pray every day, no matter how low I feel. 

I hope to walk in the anointing and calling Christ has given me, to not undermine myself or think of myself as lesser, but to take opportunities and live unashamed.

I hope to give more of myself to other people, to not let any insecurity hold me back from loving people, taking risks and dreaming dreams, being bold, saying yes more but still feeling secure saying no, trying new things and letting go.

I don't want a year obsessed with changing myself and image, I want a year where no matter what I'm doing, I can feel the presence of Jesus with me, and I can feel his peace within me. I want a year of no matter where I go, or how I grow, or how i stumble and fall, that I make being with Him the most important thing in my life, because in the end, what else matters?

2013 wasn't the perfect year. 2014 year isn't going to be a perfect year. But as long as I have Jesus, it's worth it, and it'll be good.

And to all of you who have stood beside me in some of my darkest hours, my family, my awesome boyfriend Zach, my girlfriends, I can't thank you enough. When I felt like giving up you guys kept me from going under, kept me from giving up on hope and faith, and didn't let me just sink. You fought for me, you prayed for me, you guys helped bring the joy that I had in 2013, and you lessened the sadness that I had. Thank you for loving me, praying for me, and never giving up on me. 

Here's to a new year.

2014.

It's going to be a good one.

Always,

Ariana

Testimony

Hello,

This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus. 

Originally posted on March 23, 2013

(Warning: this is a very long, but good post. So if you have a short attention span, beware!)

Sometimes life changes gradually. There's one great moment of transformation, revelation, and the aftershock changes follow you in the months to come, when all of a sudden, you look at yourself and you realize that you are completely different. The things that used to cripple you, they are gone. Of course there are always battles to be fought, but the change is still real, tangible.

That's where I am, right now, right in this almost-the-end-of-the-semester-nineteen-next-week time in my life. But the clincher, the catch is that I never NEVER in a million bajillion years could have done any of it, God, with  His amazing huge heart, didn't give up on me, broke me and gave me new life, and is shaping and molding me today, this second, as we speak, into the person He always meant me to be.

There's a story to it all. There always is. Every person you see walking by you, brushing past you in Walmart, sitting near you in the campus library, running on the same track as you, they all have stories, joys and sorrows like photographs and scars on their hearts, but we can't see. Like that wise man Samuel said to Jesse, King David's father--"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7) God can see the map of their lives, every emotional landmark and all that is in between. He can see the joys, successes, tragedy, and pain that make a person who they are. But unless we humans dig deep into each other's souls, we can't see those things. You wouldn't have seen it in me. But now you don't have to, because I'm going to tell you my story.

I won't start in the wee early years of my life, when I spent the majority of my time either playing outside with my brother, or inside with my dollhouse and sizeable collection of barbies. I won't start in the awkward late elementary school, early middle school years when I had stopped going to private school and started homeschooling, and had in the process, grown unfortunately lonely, though my mind thrived because I was constantly reading and writing. Although those times all matter, and all play a role in the story, if I were to include them, the story would be far too long for this blog, and for your patience. So I'll start in the years when the scars were the deepest, and lasted the longest, where my chains were solidified and became so strong that not only were they put on me, I was putting them on myself. I'll start in high school.

I was a fifteen year old girl, homeschooled, naïve, with only the uncomfortable knowledge that I didn't have very many friends, that I wasn't the most gorgeous individual on the planet, and I really had no idea what I was doing when it came to dealing with God, or trying to deal with guys, or trying to keep my relationship with my father from completely falling apart. I decided that the summer of 2009 was when it was all going to change for me, I was going to go on a missions trip, and God was going to change me, make me better, and maybe I would make some friends along the way. So, heart in my throat, I signed up for a Teen Mania missions trip, to Dallas. Very unfortunately, this experience did change me, but almost completely negatively. Having a nature that was prone to self criticism and withdrawal, that's exactly what happened. Although I did make a few friends, that trip was mostly spent in tears, wondering why so much of the group didn't like me or reach out to me, why other girls were so pretty and so good at sports and I so wasn't, why God couldn't just fill up the loneliness inside me and let other people like me. That wasn't to say I didn't make friends who reached out to me and were kind on that trip, but my heart was always longing for more, more more, affirmation, love, and acceptance.
When I came home two weeks later, I made a conscious decision, one that followed me all throughout high school and into college until God grabbed a hold of me--that it was my fault people didn't like me, and I was going to change whatever needed changing so I would never experience that kind of rejection again. And I did.

I started running, and quickly, my obsession became losing weight, so much so, that for a brief period, I had a mild eating disorder. Luckily my parents noticed quickly enough and talked and prayed me through it, but that needing to be in shape, needing to be skinny, never left me, even if the medical disorder did. I had this ideal in my mind of what I wanted to be, without realizing that biologically, because of how my body was built to look, I would never be able to achieve it. Nevertheless, in true form, I blamed myself, and my body for not fitting that standard.
The next part of the story is hard to explain, but it left such huge, huge scars on my heart, but to outsiders, it doesn't usually sound like that big of a deal. My acne flared up and became horrifying, taking over my whole face, and quickly ruling my life. I lived and walked in shame, I couldn't look people in the eye, I felt sorry for people because they had to look at my face, I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, and on top of it all, I was fighting with my Dad all the time, and questioning whether or not he loved me at all. God was completely distant, if anything, I disliked him, because He made me this way didn't He? I told myself lies that have held me captive so long.
That I was cursed, that I would always be ugly, untalented and unpopular.
That God had purposely made me ugly.
That I would rather not have been born than to live in the pain and shame I was living in.
That my body was a trap I would never be able to escape.
That no one would ever truly love me if they saw what I looked like without pretty clothes, without makeup.
That I was fundamentally different from everyone else, I would always have to work harder to try to be normal, to be liked, to be beautiful.
That being physically beautiful was the key to everything, to being popular, to getting guys to like me, to being normal.
I, on a regular basis, told myself that I hated myself, that I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything, that no one would ever love me, that I should just work harder, push myself more, to be beautiful, to be perfect, that it was either my fault or God's fault. I couldn't see anything good about myself, I didn't understand the point of my being created, if I was to be created with no beauty, no talents, no chance in life.

I thought the battle was won when I finally cleared my skin two years ago, and while my acne was beaten, the emotional war was still far from over. I started dual enrolling at the University of West Florida, and that just pushed me even farther away from God. My whole world was wrapped up in fitting in, in looking good, and I developed some bad habits during that time. Nobody who went to my church could have known how far away I was from God unless they were making the effort to discern where I was with Him. I sang on the praise team, I attended church every Sunday, I even tithed every once and a while. But God was a million miles away from me, and I didn't really know how to truly connect with Him on a personal level. I knew though, and Christmas two years ago, I decided that I was going to get my life on track, and make God proud. I was going to make straight A's and have a bible study and try to be a better person. During that semester, I bought a book: 'Lady in Waiting' which was one of the major points that started the ball rolling in my transformation. It had me doing a regular quiet time, and inspired me to do some kind of missions or volunteer work that summer, in an attempt to grow closer to God. My dad had mentioned YWAM to me before, but I had dismissed it. With renewed interest, I looked it up, and discovered five month Discipleship Training Schools, where one has an extended period time of training and learning about God, before going out on the missions field.

For the first time in my life, I felt pretty confident that this was something God wanted me to do. I was still pretty scared that it was going to be like Dallas where I felt out of place and alone most of the time, but I felt pretty sure that it would be a good experience. Nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for the complete life change that was ahead of me. Because the very first week there, I met God for the very first time. I was just learning that God's voice could be heard, that he spoke to people, but I wasn't expecting Him to speak to me. My heart was still in such unfamiliar territory, the love the Father hadn't touched my heart yet. But Wednesday night, the very first week of DTS, during worship, I just started crying and crying and for the very first time, I heard the voice of the Father. And do you know what He said? "I love you, Ari, I love you, girl" strong and tender like a father, like He saw me and everything I was and He loved me. That was the night when everything started changing, because all of a sudden, I couldn't live without the love of the Father, and he was real to me, He was alive and He spoke to me.

I can't begin to describe all of DTS, it was an experience of joy and pain, stress and release, fear and boldness. I was working through the complicated mass of chains that bound me, I was breaking the lies I had said over myself, I was growing closer to the Father. In the very last week of DTS, I had an amazing experience where, at a DTS conference, the spirit moved through me and through praying things out onstage, God finally gave me freedom. That was the moment when He transformed me, and though I have to renew my mind every day, I will never, ever be the same.

In the words of one of my heroes, Kim Walker "If you haven't encountered the love of God, and you  would know, you would know, because you would never be the same, you would never be the same again." God revealed his love to me, and I was never the same again. I walk in freedom, not perfectly, but I do. Insecurity and fear is falling off, chain by chain, to the glory of the Father. Things that used to make me so nervous, don't anymore. God creating me wasn't a mistake or an accident, He made me who I am for a reason, and He made me beautiful, and He made my spirit, he made my mind ever active and analytical. He has given me a voice, a message to shout out to the world.

No matter who you are, or who you think you are, no matter what you have been through or what you have done or who has wronged you--the love of the Father CAN change you, can transform you, and it is always, always there. He loves everyone so much it breaks His heart every day, but He does it anyway, because when that one lost sheep returns, nothing could make Him more happy. I was that lost sheep, I was so lost, but now I am found. Found by my God, my Father, My Husband, my Beloved, my Best friend. Nothing could ever make me go back.

That's my story. Of course yours is different, but I hope God speaks to you through it, because He is the central figure, He is the hero of my story. The One who loved me when I didn't deserve it, and restored when I didn't think it was possible. He's my savior, my God, and if He isn't already, I pray He may become yours.

Brink of Flight

Hello,

This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus. 

Originally posted on December 31, 2012

It's the last day of 2012 everyone, and hasn't so much happened? The end of the world came and went without any ruckus or worldwide upheaval, and year full of smiles and tears, transformation, hellos and goodbyes, is finally drawing to a close. Is it just me, or has 2012 seemed like a really significant year? One of those landmark years, where one day, when I am quite adult and settled, will look back and think, "2012...so many good things happened that year..."

I also remember quite clearly developing a new year's resolution list last year, on the last day of 2011, and to follow up with that, I'm going to tell you how I did in fulfilling those, and show you my 13 resolutions for 2013!

Now how my life usually works with new year's resolutions, is I'll make quite a few of them, and some of them I will work on, and others I will completely forget about...however, the cool thing is, that at the end of every year when I'm looking back at the previous year's resolutions, I discover quite a few resolutions were fulfilled without my even thinking about it (thanks God!!). The story is the same this year.

2) I was awarded a job at my university as a part of my financial aide!

3) I travelled to Thailand with none of my family, just my DTS team :)

4) Unfortunately I was not able to take a photography course, as I was out of town for the fall semester.

5) I didn't publish Secret Keeper, because honestly, it would need a huge overall before it was fit for publishing.

6) I did get all A's in my spring semester! Yay!

7) I did sing in front of an actual audience, at a talent show with my friend Brittany :)

8) I do have my own car now, given to my family for free, and fixed up by my daddy! A '99 Toyota Corolla named Addie :)

9) I sadly did not run another 5k..I did however, run five miles, which was one of my running goals.

10) I put one blue streak in my hair and didn't like it very much...


So as you can see, A LOT of them were accomplished and literally--pretty much all of that success was all because of God lining things and arranging them, so thank you heavenly Daddy!

But really. God accomplished so much in the year of 2012, He completely turned my life around, showed me so much about myself, and gave me hope and life like I've never known before. I'm going to do a separate post going more into detail about big highlights of 2012, and DTS, and what God has done in me personally this past year, I wanted this post to be mainly about resolutions, hopes, and wishes for 2013.

Here we go!! 13 resolutions/hopes/wishes/dreams for 2013!!

I need to have a time of worship, prayer, and quiet time every day, just to be in the presence of God, and hear Him in the midst of this busy world.

Remember how my resolution last year was to get all A's? Well I did...and my nerves were nearly fried by the end of the semester. While getting A's was satisfying, crying over exams because I was so nervous and stressed, studying for ten hours, and obsessing about my work isn't worth it in my opinion. I was placing my value as a person on my grades, and that wasn't okay. This semester I am determined to put God first, and not put an undue amount of pressure and stress upon myself about my grades. Of course I will work hard and do the best I can--without burning myself out and getting all stressed out about it

Exactly what it says, I want prayer to be more than just something I do when I have my quiet time. I want to intercede, I want to live a life in conversation with Jesus, talking and listening. I want to pray for those I know aren't saved, the nations that are unreached, for my future, discovering what all God has for me, in the future and in the today.

The last and most important :) For what am I, and all these endeavors, without him?

--Ariana

The Beautiful Flaw

Hey guys, I know it's been deplorably long since I've written but I guess I don't want to write when I'm not feeling particularly inspired, I'd rather write nothing at all rather than make something up and try to make it work, so I hope you guys understand :)

Have you guys ever felt hope? I'm sure you have. The uprising, uplifting of the spirit, that makes the tips of your fingers tremble and your stomach clench because you hope it will all turn out for good but there's always a chance it might not.
I've hoped, and I've cursed hope alternately throughout my life, and there was even a point in my life where I gave it up completely because I figured what was the point?
As far as I could see, hope was a cruel mistress, bringing you up, then letting you fall,  promising things that she never gives.
But lately I've been trying to give hope a fair shake, and realizing that my definition of hope, and what hope actually means is very different.
Same goes with my definition of beauty, but that's not really a surprise, now is it?

When I looked back at what hope meant for me in my past, the best way to describe it is:  nearly instantaneous fulfillment of the fantasies within my head.
When I really liked a guy, I invested a lot of hope into him, and what I thought we should have together, what I was pretty sure he was feeling, all mixed up with my rather unrealistic romantic dreaming. And if that didn't work out the way I had hoped, I crashed and burned, and who did I blame? Hope, for "making" me fall, "making" me think about him and dream about him, and for not letting it all work out the way I thought it should have gone.

When I was going through a really bad patch with my skin or my looks in general, I would usually begin strolling the aisles of the great shopper's paradise: Target, looking, hoping for some dream product that would finally make my hair glossy and my skin clear and glowy, make my insecurities disappear as I feel my attractiveness returns.
But if, say, that product doesn't work out the way I thought I would, who do I blame? Hope.

Now, as the full circle of this year starts to come to a close, I'm starting to realize that the things I was pinning on Hope, are really belong to Expectation and Fantasy. And the anger and hurt inside of me were unfounded, the way I was drawing away refusing to hope, taking a negative view on life...that was just harming me. I built up walls, inwardly scoffing when people quoted verses like "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."  I closed myself off to the idea of love, preferring instead to flirt, and have flings, things that made me feel good about myself, but didn't require me to get emotionally attached. I decided that if anything in my life was going to "well" I had to make it happen myself, because God, or hope, or any of those fairytale happy things weren't going to get me there.

God began showing me that the reason my life kept not turning out the way I wanted it to, the reason I was nearly always unhappy with myself, the reason why as soon as one of my "flaws" disappeared, I would soon choose another to obsess about, the reason why I was never truly content, always suspicious, losing the ability to dream...
All that was stemming from one major problem, the kink in my plans, the flaw in all my striving: Clear skin, perfect hair, healthy weight, good grades, quite a few boys liking me, pretty clothes, electronics, creativity, a good singing voice...none of that mattered, none of that would satisfy me and they didn't, if God wasn't first in my heart, if I wasn't seeking Him and His Kingdom and His righteousness first.

Of course I was bitter, of  course I was angry, if I was placing my identity, the value of who I was on things as changeable as looks, possessions, of course desperation would rise at the very thought of those things being taken away, because according to me, without those things, what was I worth as a person?

Basically what I'm taking a long time to say is, giving up on hope, not trusting God to love you or provide a future, trying to carve your own destiny, and create your own identity and happiness is just simply not going to work. You may be outwardly successful, beautiful, talented, or rich, you may outwardly have it all, and pride to go along with it, but true joy, true peace, true satisfaction, being able to live without the gnawing hunger for more...they will elude you. Trust me, I know, I've been there and back again many times. It's that plain and simply, and yet not, isn't it? It's so often so hard to come to God, guilt, fear, pride, anger, they so often get in the way, keep us far away from the one thing that can truly transform us.


Have a lovely week all :)
--Ariana

Constant Battle

Somehow, no matter what I go through, it's still easy to make God small in my mind.  To compartmentalize Him, place Him in the Bible study box, in the church and campus group box, and forget that He wants to permeate my whole life, be yeast that makes me rise, wine that ferments, bringing me deeper, drawing me away from pollutions that so try to infect my soul.
I know my vices. I am often quick to self criticize, and although God has given me a lot of freedom in that area, it's still hard for me not to focus on my faults, let them consume me in a downward spiral.
Because of that downward spiral, I often drown my thoughts in media, let Pinterest and Netflix drown out my nagging thoughts, the fact that I KNOW I should be doing better, I shouldn't let my appearance get me down.
My mind shouts at me.
"Ari WHY are you worried about your skin, your weight? It's not important! It's dragging you down, making you self focused, making you selfish, getting you off track!"
"Why is this even a struggle for you Ari? Why are you so different from everyone else? No one else struggles with acne like you do, you should be ashamed."
"How long? How long am I going to try and try and never feel like I'm getting anywhere? Stop hoping, it always just lets you down, a quick rise and sickening plummet."
"Ari! Did DTS even DO anything for you? You should know better than to waste your time like that, selfish girl! Wake up and live for the Lord!"
"If you were REALLY passionate for the Lord, you wouldn't let things like this get you down, how long have you battled this? You're never going to be able to hold onto freedom OR  close relationship with the Lord. Might as well just give up."

All these voices, in my head twenty-four seven. It's so hard to separate truth from identity, but I know I should be doing more, so I make promises, which I always seem to breaking. I want to have a good quiet time, but the call to drown everything in TV or Facebook seems to be louder. God is my Protector, and I know God has made me stronger than I was, I am not hopeless, not unless I lose hope, don't daily remind myself that my identity comes FROM HIM, and because of Him, I am BEAUTIFUL.
The daily battle. Reading the word, knowing what is right, then through God's love, APPLYING it to my daily life, changing the thoughts in my mind, changing the attitude of my heart.

Romans 7:14-25For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Paul's cry is my own. A desperate cry to the heavens, "GOD, I can't do this on my own! I know I don't have to, but yet I try, I know You offer out your hand, but somehow I always push Your help away, try to figure it all out on my own, and it never works! I want to LIVE in You, not just breathe to death, because when it comes right down to it, at the end of the day, when the pleasures I indulge in leave me, like ashes crumbling in the wind, I am left barren, naked, yet I KNOW You are offering shelter, covering, why is it so hard for me to just come to You, just come to the life You freely offer,  why is this always a battle, a war, I can't let down my guard for one second, yet You offer strength, I am weak, I have no excuse, God help me come to You, You are my only answer, why can't I just come to You first? Deliver me from this body of death!!"

I listen to Lecrae in the darkness, lit only by the white glow of my laptop screen, and the words flow out raw, the wounds of my heart bleeding all over the page. Everywhere I turn, the voices are different, conflicting, confusing, condemning, guilt oozes, green and acid burning, my heart recoils, I want to retreat away from the world, shut myself away, try to stop the hurling shouts, ricocheting off the walls of my own mind, but they never leave,  and yet, as I do gut wrenching battle, tears falling, taking steps forward and steps back, one voice, a slip and shimmer of white, penetrates the dark and guilty mire of confused chaos--

"You are a SAINT, my DAUGHTER, my BRIDE. You are not beaten, for I am your strength, these trials these times, you were created for such times as these, walk bravely My child, and rely on Me, Oh my child, come to Me, Oh My love, do not resist Me, let Me strengthen you, embolden you. I know you are sorry from your heart's core, but repentance is turning away, walking rightly, looking to My voice, My face, My love, and not looking away. You have the Almighty, Everlasting, Alpha and Omega YAHWEH within you, YOU ARE NOT BEATEN. For when I AM is within you, WHO can be against you?"

He roars like a Lion, the Warrior King, Raw Power, Lightning Flashing, Pure Adrenaline, Strength unlike anything anyone has EVER seen, within me.
I leave forgiven, redeemed, reminded, and determined.
Bondservant of Christ.
Highest title, I am proud to bear.

One more battle won. Transformation begins once again.

Metamorphasis

Hello,

This is Ariana from 2023, ten years after many of these posts were written. A few years ago I went through a time, where in a desire to please God, and out of fear of displeasing him, I took a lot of posts off of my blog and reverted them to drafts. However, I am going to prayerfully begin reposting some of them, because, both for memories' sake for myself, but also because not everything that was removed, needed to be. This is one of those posts. I hope it edifies you and draws you closer to Jesus. 

Originally posted on March 23, 2013

"Since you have been raised from the dead with Christ Jesus.."
Clawing at dirt, filling my eyes, my mouth,
Flailing, reaching desperately,
The earth is swallowing me whole,
I know it's not right,
I fight, but gravity seems so much stronger,
I want to close my eyes,
Let it drag me down to darkness,
Away from the light,
Many choices I make,
I compromise,
Darkness is easier than light, right?
If life can't be happy, at least it should be fun,
Fun like a firecracker,
Bursts in flashes of laughter and sparks giddy,
Burns down to the taste of ashes,
I taste when I lay in my bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
Wondering where my life went,
Why nothing satisfies.
I thought I had sunk so far down, so much dirt on me,
The light couldn't reach me,
Yet I stretched up my hand,
Tired of the wrongness of life, the badness in me,
Dirt like darkness choking me,
Poison sugar,
My hand reached up, a crack in the soil found,
And strong fingers grasped my pale digits,
Pulled, and kept pulling,
Gasping, coughing, lungs burning,
Light sears my eyes, I blink,
Dirty lashes fluttering, grains of soil clinging to me,
I look up and I see,
Eyes burning through with love,
Sparking with tears, his tan calloused hand,
Reaches out and cups my freckled dirty cheek,
Stained with many wrongs,
His voice like gentleness and strength, Father, Mother, Teacher, Brother,
"I love you Ari. I love you girl."
I gasp out a sob, clutch the hand cupping my cheek,
Don't ever let me go....
"I will never leave you..."
Little by little, I disentangle myself, vines wrap around,
His eyes ever guiding me on,
His hand still grasping mine,
The journey begins,
He whispers words to me as I go
Who He is, Who I am, tightly
Why I need to keep going, not let the hissing lies,
Coil around me once more,
Vegetation that clings and holds,
Vines that strangle, sink so deep, they very nearly become a part of me,
It hurts, ripping off age old lies,
Can't I just relax? I sigh,
Why this constant work, this maze,
These lies, I'll never get through,
"Since then you have been raised with Christ Jesus, set your heart on things above..."
His voice gently commands,
And for that taste of unconditional love,
I follow the eyes, the voice, trying the reach the full light, the break of day,
A never ending sky.
I fall, weary,
The soil rises, filling my senses,
You'll never change, you're bad, you just are,
The slithering voices of lies, dirt like guilt, coats my tongue,
Despair fills my soul,
I cry to heaven,
"Have I wasted it all?"
Thunder rolls, Tears fall,
Rain comes,
Washes me slowly,
Tears of heaven leaving trails on my sin stained skin,
All of a sudden,
I don't push my way through alone,
He is all around,
My limbs armed with a strength,
Flowing from Him,
His eyes flash as I stretch my arms wide, high,
Words, mine, yet not, flowing from deep caverns in my heart,
Raining out iridescence of the spirit, boldness, freedom,
I collapse into his arms,
Chains broken, New creation. Dead to me, Alive in Christ.
Light explodes, sky expands, vibrant blue, horizons never end,
Yet His voice reminds
"Set your mind on things above, not earthly things, For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
Hidden means it needs searching for,
New goal, new mission,
Passion, Vision,
Search for my life, hidden in Him,
And never stop.


....................

Have a good day you guys!
-Ariana