Tuesday, April 26, 2011

We Fight Not Against Men... seems that lately, all I'm doing is apologizing for not posting for so long, and I'm sorry's just been one of those crazy months where extra time isnt easy to get at, and I can't find my camera transfer USB cord, so all the pretty spring pictures ive been taking I can't show you guys! Hmmph. Depressing.
I suppose I have to resign to my fate as a few and far between blogger, I can now see how hard it is to fit the time in, which is unfortunate. I promise I will post more when summer comes and all the craziness is done.
I know it's not fair to you guys, and I am so sorry:( I'm really gonna try to post more often, so could you guys hang with me? This is a weird time in my life, and I'm trying to figure out alot of stuff, so if I'm goin a bit AWOL--I'm totally not abandoning you guys! :)

I've been trying to figure out who I am...and that's not easy stuff for a girl to handle. On one hand, I'm seventeen, I feel pretty close to being am adult, but in so many ways, I'm sti a kid. I'd rather play than work, I love to daydream and dance to the music, and just be silly like that. But I can't afford to be like that for much longer. How do you get a growth spurt on something like growing up? How do I get from being silly and just whatever, do being serious and dedicated and mature and all that stuff. A career, college life., all that stuff seems so far away. But I know that's no excuse. I need to prepare for all that and grow up...but how? I feel like such a loser for having a problem like that, most homeschoolers I know are so out there and are prepared and know where their going with their lives. How come I can't be like that?
Why is it harder for me to be focused, to not get distracted and procrastinate?
Plus lately it seems like two parts of me have been warring th part of me that knows what I SHOULD be doing, and another just wants to do whatever, and is concerned with stupid stuff.
I know I can't get where I want to go without hard work, but where do I really want go?
I know I must sounds like such a spongy flob but I believe I should be totally honest in my blog.
I mean who wants to read a blog about a perfect person who has it all together? I know I have flaws, and I am perfectly ready to admit them to you guys.

It's weird with me. The reason why I'm kind of a flob in the growing up and stuff like department, is for the longest time improving what I looked like was the most important thing to me. And everything else kind of fell by the wayside. I know that's not the right way to think like that, but that just how it was for a long while, and I'm not gonna lie and say it isn't still impacting me today, even if it shouldn't.
I don't know what my mental block is, and why my appearance and self esteem and stuff tends to hold so much of my attention and focus, but it does, and I know it shouldn't.
When I think about it and talk about it, I know it's so wrong, it's just one of satan's ways of keeping me from getting where I need to to.
But when I dont think about it, it just happens subconsciously. But I seriously do need to get a grip on it.
I want my better side to win, my hardworking, dependable, focused and mature side, but it seems that lately my will is anything but strong, and my flesh is so weak.

So that's basically why I havent been posting as much, just wrestling with alot of stuff inside, plus all the regular ins and outs of life. I would appreciate some prayer..because I really do want my good side to win, and hopefully. With god's help, it will!
As far as posting goes, I'm going to be doing smaller posts more often..can't really write novels everyday..but little tidbits I can give you guys :)
Sound good?
Sorry about going all MIA on you guys..but at least now you know why! :)
Love you guys!

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